One of regret

A lifetime of everybody in or is many or few or is big or little some regrets stay in heart base, some till can not also remedy when dying. Some others knows , some only know by oneself. My father the regret in a lifetime, I think that am more more than general person. Because he is different from general person, life experience is different, feelings are also different. Certainly regretfully, it is also different.

At the time of two years old of grandmother, have become the child bride of others. After big have married with one than the own man of little few years, have given birth to my father. However father two years old, grandfather and grandmother are away from marry , have left home , have gone to another city to live. Because grandmother agrees to divorce to but disagree on domestic departure, so, grandfather only leaves home. That year is the year that new China sets up. After divorcing , grandmother takes care of old grandmother and immature son , actually says that foster mother is better and some , is not grandmother, because of grandfather not is this pitiful woman own adopt. This pitiful woman a lifetime has no a man and half woman who has given birth to. So, grandfather is just willing to give away domestic departure, and grandmother does not be willing to leave home. Luckily grandmother person is good, it is bitter to have not let this pitiful woman get amount.

A lifetime of father is very bitter, grandfather after departure home, grandmother relies on helping others to work just get support three of their grandparent and grandchild. The 3 persons of grandparent and grandchild depend on each other , are that the two persons of orphans and widows depend on each other afterwards. So father than with age person sensible have to be early. Because he gets the cool detachment of others since childhood fully and is sad and bitter as living. He wants from dozen drums is from boating , nobody can help his. Allegedly when his 10 is year-old , he and one of same village have gone to that city with age person. That city is also not far, now one day also may back and forth, do not know in those years to spend how much time. That person seeks relative, he seeks father. However, his father does not accept him. At that time, his father has remarried , has given birth to some offspring , has also poverty-stricken life, and wife pipe has to be died very much. However again how must also accept him. He also is own son! This time, have deeply hurt father. Father has not sought him afterwards always after tens of years , also seldom speaks him. From field, our incorrect sister of elder brother speaks your father. According to me, know that he is now lifetime, he has never cried out "papa", he says afterwards for others when speaking his father," my father" he calls him father is to call "uncle". He company cry out my grandfather does not cry out as my mother "papa". Exactly, grandmother and our the same name, generation share grows a generation exactly than father, father cries out they are " uncle, aunt ". This reason in which, this feelings have only him to know. But I also understand this kind of his feelings slowly after growing up.

I also do not know since some time , should is last century certain one year of 80 decade. Father because of work relation, often go grandfather the city of place. So, they seem to have got relationship. Hear of my home of 84 years afterwards to build house , grandfather the milk after carries has stolen to some money father, that is he the smoke wine money of own province comes down. My originally that annual home will not still build house, but old house is built by earth brick, year for a long time , already crack, it is oblique to flare, as soon as taking off heavy rain, we worry about that collapse. The person of good intention suggests father to say that repair , also can do nothing about it to repair , or borrowing money, create one. However when building room, have taken apart old house , have used those good timbers, may use timber. So, may save a money. However after old house is taken apart , or having again repaired little firewood room, will protect well because this is the foundation that ancestors leave. So, we have not just lived in that side room of Zu Ting who puts forefather memorial tablet again.

Grandmother just dies for 88 years in winter. In my sister of elder brother some, grandmother most likes me, what matter is also spoken with me more. Possibility because of old , between feeling living, there are few time. Grandmother thinks at heart very much that grandfather wants to see to meet very much , sees the only man in her a lifetime, this one has given her a lifetime painful man. Though so, this is also her initial love , is also final love. Because after divorcing , grandmother and grandfather have not remarried. Natural not whole is for the chastity of woman. Is for her love son, and that pitiful woman. Grandmother is still quite advanced afterwards , is still party member , is still director of town the Women's Federation. Is to have no culture, want not grandmother is very capable woman. I also do not know is when end of 1987 year or beginning of 88 year, grandmother lets me to write letter to grandfather , says that he has not come to countryside for quite a long time , should also come to see his grandson and grandchildren woman , sees hometown. Then I am reading first 2, writing this letter still may, however, it is too little , does not understand feelings. I have very done the address of grandfather easily , have written letter , but do not know the name of grandfather. Grandmother remembers his infant name only. I ask father. Father responds , ask trunk what very vigorously. I say that do not do what , want to know what name grandfather shouts only. So still do not know what name grandfather shouts. Father has not also said eventually. Afterwards, I have asked neighbor that uncle just knows. Letter is sent. May grandfather has not also come , have not also replied. I hate him very much , blame his ruthlessness , am old , am still so and ruthless. Grandmother is very disappointed. I say that have calculated , he is also still conscienceless person until now. Grandmother last tape is disappointed, regretfully, have left world. May this kind of her regret is in other words that I give her. The address when mails the letter because of me has been wrong. I see the address on envelope that uncle sends father letter wrong. Grandfather confiscates that letter. As a result, grandmother has died to lie on plank, grandfather comes to see her , however, she does not know. I want to also have a lot of deep feelings and regrets in grandfather heart. When others asks grandfather live when which, I just know me to write wrong address. I hate self! If grandfather has received letter, perhaps, he can come to see grandmother. Grandmother also sees grandfather. Grandfather will not also see the grandmother who has no expression on plank to flow out tear. Person is old, time has been far , all resentments have broken up . . . . ..