It may come again41-45)
Author: Arrange:
41th Zhang the
Speak:
At last wine has woken up , after having not thought of 30 years, I can still enter to this ghost place. I am out of control always after, wine is out of control, cerebrum can not always restrain own thought nerve seemingly. Come to Tianjin this time, and not is for Sun Li. However, with that place in which she has had wine I can not forget anyhow. It is ignorant probably, I have taken train, though, cerebrum is sober and reasonable. May go to Tianjin , have made station, it is sentimental as gushing to can not restrain mind last round of ship. Before, go to Tianjin every time , will see that she receives my figure in station, every time I can imagine her to wear what clothing. And this time, thing has non person!
The farce of dining room, I have forgotten
20 years ago, I have1979Annual the Spring
There are a place to shout- -Here, it is the first"Prison", it is for the most , is a relatively"Prison"And"Detention","Detention","The"Mix. Say"Enter", normally,"Squat"Denote to have been detained normally; Once- -And"A prison"Same again separate" KWord".
" KWord"Say that the most"Criminal"It is that talks about the place that"Winner","Educate"The criminal punishment of two ranks," KWord"Little- -Normally, little"Educate", will not
What outsider sees is Gao Qiang- -This is exterior only; Those had been rubed shiny can , shake the iron gate of ear to join sound open, the big iron on fetters ball has draged the heavy sound that ground sends , add howl sound , drink to scold sound- -This is to not
Contain , is. .
However, the most good persons believe"Wail"In surround to sit"Happy"; Killing a person"A difference"; Huge robber person is showing"Splendid"; Bone< xml:namespace prefix=st1 ns="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"/>< personname w:st=on productid=鏌寸殑>Firewood< personname/>Instruct to talk about Hegel;"Elite"It- -Here, the most"Person". These persons"It is", once having"Everything". There is many"Dead pig"Extent reached. It is legal to punish severely"Enjoy".
The fear for the future, for past event cannot bear to look back upon , it is for the desperate fantasy for tomorrow of tomorrow; Remorse , hatred , is lucky , hope and despair, the despair in hope, the hope in despair; Fear in self examine comfort in, comfort is grieved in, grieved anger in, anger Qi wish, etc. etc. interweave completely together , have formed the alone some weird atmosphere in prison.
In such atmosphere,"It is". At some times, people can hit because of a little piece meat head broken and bleeding; Some times, but possible quilt a article on newspaper is brimming with tears. Cheating, weak meat strong meal is this"Law", it is having gotten the"It"Again become common practice with mutual help. The example with a deep impression: Certain day reads a person of pottery casting daughter( name has forgotten ) who recalls the article of her papa and wails completely to give to be moved, have to cry- -Include cruelty kill
Various mood will be strengthened
Night of New Year's Eve in, entire prison- -There is the dish of big piece meat, there is still the steamed bun of wheat flour. Need not carry out routine study again in approval evening , may converse freely. Hear the firecracker of more and more dense surface to sound, the conversation of prisoners more and more looks odd. Begin to have person winner does joyfully face, may afterwards, have cry gradually from corner sound- -Wail after sobing first. Again- -All unanimously"Have a chat merely,", however, have no. .
In prison, have no light-off this saying."Poem":
Open first firecracker
Cloud rushes in Han
Jing the shadow of
In gorge easy ferry
I believe that now, nobody"Poem"In those matters that say"Counter-revolutionary"Heart!"Cloud rushes in"It is that"Land" -This really has biggest meaning for the"It is malicious"Person , real"It"Can describe.
I unforgettable New22It is year-old. Whenever"5.1 or" -The person of a" KWord"Have lived in 8 years. His Zeng Dui Wo says that
All do not know that time in detention center is most difficult to be boiled , it may talk if person has no half dignity inside. It is perfectly justified matter that old prisoner bullies new prisoner, it is actually prison keeper connivance old prisoner this to say ," it is perfectly justified". And have educated once having been sent to go out to work, it is a lot of to go well in time. What matter says with culture administrative staff that their mood will be considered it is good. However, daily politics is educated may can not be absent. Fall ill even you is hanging brininess , go to learning time , pull out syringe needle moreover. Such education makes the cerebrum of many prisoners become mechanical, numb.
It has had a real matter to occur: On train, one multiplies Jing when routine inspection, it is suspicious that discovery has a person. Pursuing to go up to ask him take the certificate of family background. That person is busy and active to cooperate. Multiply Jing can't see what problem on ID card, convenient courtesy land returns that person certificate. Do not miss that person to take after certificate come immediately stands at attention , salute says: " thanks government for me education! ". Take advantage of alertness get wonderful head incorrect, demand again to return certificate , inquire in detail is for person. That person reply Zhi Wu, show at last weak point, originally, it is escaped criminal.
In prison, cultural person can't get the another eye of prison pipe all the same appearance see. It is one, a prison prisoner that is in charge of to seek a professor identity standard words. If that prison pipe height is not been person Gao Ma high , it is big to instruct to look. It is taken off that prison pipe lets professor seek a little stool to sit however for this air, and he sits on a big chair. Say: " you are professor what may be spirited , go to here, return not is well-behaved to hear the words of me. " professor will reply: " I have no expression originally , actually I< personname w:st=on productid=鏇炬槸>Have< personname/>Professor, is this also my fault? "
In prison, I still know a political offender, government sentences him for 8 years. If recognize that self is guilty, may reduce the penalty for one year, but he refuses , refuses that thought is reformed , again becomes 9 years as a result in addition one year. He says for me that has had one year, he is that a person has been closed a little house, nobody can say words, meal is since Xiao Kong on door comes in successively. He can't see the world besides window, prison pipe is very good at thinking , before windowsill according to have packed a great plank, have blocked his line of vision. He can only see the white cloud on day from the gap of plank top when is elegant. He thinks loud ,since he has no method. It has long been crazy that he says that is afraid of if own incorrect self speaks.
Still a person because of economic problem have closed 7 years, after being released from prison with the person in home, it is not good to concern , temporary live in hotel few days. However, meet often on hotel pavement to wear the security of uniform , he stands at attention immediately , lets ensure safety to go first.
Hai! This is prison, this is the place of transformation person. The another that all can not imagine forever atones for the crime world. Now, 7 days Ju issue will arrive immediately, after obtaining freedom again, I have again lost what? Final some passion has also sunk , the brain is left empty.
42th Zhang
Speak:
Morning just goes
" you are
" you are good! Si Yu comes out today, I take him
" thanks.
" need not to
" understanding
" this understanding times,
" I not nerve.
" not, not! I have no other meaning,
" OK seeing in him find pleasure
" impoliteness,
" good-bye.
Lay aside the telephone of Liu Wei, I have a kind of relaxed sense suddenly, have felt relieved seemingly a knot, but I again say that am not clear. Luo Si Yu with me, perhaps, we are really not enough for the normal reason of not normal this to lie in that we are the intercourses on spirit each other , once pour into reality, we is strange and convenient to show , the contrary that has caused the sense of opposite side to watch turns over. From this, both sides again repel, this is Nie destiny.
5 p.m., clock is that Liu Wei receives hisIt is to see
He has appeared at last,since he has waited for half hour probably. One is old tired out figure, go strenuously in when mix dark dusk. Is that him? I have been shocked suddenly, heart has as quilt needle-punched the pain that one takes off - - life is originally so and fragile, even cannot bear to attack. Me, say that is treasured because of me, is just that Chan that soul in weak body that does not die out , that have me only to read the fear understood the heart moved , in though figure he is still so ordinary and ordinary, even present senile old form and such a kind of image prematurely , make me realize suddenly that I have neglected me after all to be a kind of what feeling for him He!
Originally, it is not appreciation and pity, soakSee a man , but
Have felt
Alive individual is so simple and not simple Na! This world what is important, what is also not important. Life, only is for the form of life, that is so is happy! However, we are not, so, it is so heavy that our life is doomed. Well life! I bless quietly.
Person, suddenlying see the light perhaps only is overnight. State of mind unfold is to can not use the method self-regulated that spoils things by excessive enthusiasm , need to change the thing before a angle feelings. As person is as a polyhedron, different angle watches on the contrary from the effect that shines is different, also this kind of method may also observe others.
The peacock who opens screen is beautifulHu so worship, it is rational to know thoroughly
Analyze any thing to cannot depart from calmness , sober prerequisite is a kind of fearful weak Ran. For example, love, once trend weak Ran, signify a kind of coldness, the result after coldness necessity brings a kind of disregard. Person is only just most rational when disregarding. Do you disregard what? Disregard have have those mood that makes self complain or be deeply concerned , is not to disregard feelings.
If this, the essence of love just will not be distorted. Is all love, nobody may flee that a disaster of passion combustion, will inevitably also move towards the last result with objective reason, this is the law of love. What leaves under such a kind of law? It is to get small returns for great effortIs true, this true is just the final
This feelings thing is really multifarious toy, nobody may limit its core strictly content, it has no strict concept, only kiss feelings. It can not be watched quietly that therefore, worry lies in with taste. Only actual approximation will be just experienced true. So feelings is the outcome of association instead of intercourse gets outcome. Certainly, as a result, it is a lot of to have , and what process is approach - - love is beautiful.
Like , based on what? Nobody can say thoroughly clear, feeling is primary, this is people often say have news the spark of feeling with - - of each other, so, arouse passion. If only the induction of one side, that is not love , is the good impression of single side only, all love must be simultaneous , also is of each other XunFast induction. This has reached. Love once the stage that enters reason , already Ran have lost the very love is sensitive, originate from , love and feelings are two different concepts. And feelings is long term.
Person a lifetime, the induction that may occur many times, but not definitely leave very many feelings. It may say if this seemingly has no reason. So, see a person , experience a feelings, it is a kind of state that passion Peng Pai He installs quietly to guard. It is important treasuring , it is a kind of feelings knot only to treasure , that is self.
Institute treasures , is a kind
43th Classmate
Speak:
This time, Tianjin detains the solution of incident, classmate old Liu Wei help merit cannot sink , at least, helping me have covered , can not say that is clear and embarrassed. Ran Ning say , resort to it to let classmate old assemble , how to say that is also tens of years , place decides when Liu Wei at home of Beijing.
PassI do not like classmate get-together. So, do not like that the most major reason is that do not like to see those arrogant appearances " successful personage". That false modest expression, that condescends to bend attitude. And have done not matter now, I will be gratified for the success of some classmates; I do not fear to coldly treat , I can listen , even knowing them obviously, I am showing off. Do not have at heart vie , do not have secretly envy , it does not have to lack in self-confidence; Have not felt small , it is resentful to have sunk , have not lost and is sad.
Home of300Square meter leap layer type little building, furnishings is refined and luxury , shows taste and the stratum of host invariably, drawing room falls down to seat cold Xuan. Ran Ning finger wall goes up"Where"4 words say: " Te custom!
Liu Wei receives Cha: " do not look down upon this 4 words, here surface implication very deep philosophy! Person Na, is especially current, too shrewdness too clear examine autumn milli , perhaps, is nearly impossible to live. At proper time, under proper condition, it has to be confused really somewhat- -The matter of natural principle is excepted. May this says that is easy , will accomplish really it may be difficult , so just 'rare' Ma. Today, classmate old comes to see me , is to think highly of me completely. Come , drink water! "
The words of Liu Wei at
" it has developed him
" Cover the common saying of sentence old Beijing: Is this that where follows where? Classmate is classmate , is a special group, together with us, it is young. " Liu Wei deep feeling land say: " world goes up no any thing than young may be valuable. "
" who says that heart may keep young? That is shit. Meeting and the heart of person go up along with age and are gradually old. When you are impossible to possess , say that I do not want to possess toward good place to say that is a kind of discipline , say toward not good place that is deceiving. It is to have violated this law that this time, Si Yu goes in , isn't? " Ran Ning say that have given me a fist.
I have no
" go , we roadside has wine!
In childhood, I and Liu Wei live in a courtyard, at that time, the winter of Beijing may be really cold. The low short simple little stove and the chamber of a stove of iron sheet are so little , can not also receive chimney, when it in the time with prosperous temperature moves house, evening will be pushed forward. Liu Wei family circumstances is not as good as my home, the stove of his home is normally always"Seal", because it is thrifty. He comes to my home to do the homework , comes in from surface , will always cover chimney with hand, two little hands covers the chimney of our house, shake body, mother sees that he is so, have opened still though having not arrived to do meal time"Cover" . .
I remember her mother, a tape some countryside person in appearance youth woman, it has once in market , will buy a watch. She has taken money , wraps in a handkerchief , opens cautiously, is so skilful that is , there are unexpectedly seldom the money of a lot of insides, it is the marked price of that table to happen. Afterwards, do not know why I can recall this scene. I and Liu Wei get along in childhood very well.
Night of one day in, I have slept , hear suddenly that there is person to knock my window. I lift window , have seen his face - - excited expression , open round eye, it is proud to bring hand over a I peach with expectation - - he. May I mention that in same year, he sends the matter of peach to me in night, he has forgotten completely. At the time of having wine , my some get excited. It is just meaningful that beautiful matter and real situation etc. have only in certain time part.
" the matter that says you and Sun Li ,
" no what may say , she understands me, I have but loved her firmly without preparation, when in her contact, I have even felt own 'excellence' the first time. But afterwards, I discover at last, I want , actually, foundation is not love , is even not the love of surface. What I want is only"Love"In those parts that I can accept. My love is under certain condition, it is selfish. I want to get , but not want to lose. I want the joyfulness on my feelings, but I can not give up my family absolutely with me tens of years the life habit as well as my all feelings that forms. Since is this to carve , I for her injury have begun. Actually what this kind of injury is selfish is that a kind of self protects. However, it is more preposterous , has strong feelings on the one hand , is also the love that can not bear her on the one hand, this causes maximum spirit to be painful to me. When she decides to suspend the love between us, I have to free sense , and feel sad and grievance. So that day does not know why, the confusion in paste have gone to Tianjin , say that should thank him for me help. " I have said that lift up wineglass a trunk.
" where! Say , classmate
That day I drink can not
44th Zhang
Speak:.Alexander.Buddha La-Ji-Mi-Er-Luo
In these days, as walking gradually on business into the orbit of well development, besides, adjust gradually on mood, I have again recovered former happiness and am comfortable. My appetite soars , beginning as various eat thing arising maximum interest, as having slept in winter , the animal of a winter is greedy to chew various foods, weight also soars at the same time.
In evening of middle of spring, have had got the feeling of summer, gentle breeze and is warm, people if weave. People seem right off will mood is leisure , one tends to former cold winter bring recoil , what unfold is not only look , still have mental outlook.
Any row of street mouth little dining room, the little table before door pays , 32 good friends, is too fond of drink as drink , the dish on table is not very lush , is often a dish of vegetable dish, a plate of marine products. This is the refined taste of Tianjin person, not only common people, perhaps, this is the feelings knot of this special Tianjin port city , condenses the traditional characteristic of quay culture, people for open-air wine table special outside like , regardless of identity how to, position is high.
Wine has wine culture. Wine also has wine friend. Wine friend will strive for , is not those social relation , is also not the relation on interests. Friendship very deep those good friend, can drink do not feel. I often road goes through , can't help to want to take being talking there together with them. I more and more like Chinese this kind of common people the life that melts.
The in the open little table
Perhaps after, how many years, so social relation is not important , include career, honor and money, even love. It is only, one wine matter of roadside, cannot throw is a and true to store , when a angle with the most valuable river of memory, smile to gush to move.
Sub-district entrance is a pair of to choose tattered husband and wife, when I go home become scenery line on the road. The harmony between them is been permeated with in eye, between tone, on movement, estimate their absolutely strange vocabulary of " love " , even do not understand what to call "bosom friend" , may I feel clearly that they are a man and a woman.
The little house that passes them every time , the wife who can see him always when the pot basin bowl land of kitchen range busy , is she lonely? I think will not, her happiness? She will not go to think that this is happy at all. Their child grows up gradually, child learning score is very good, this is the happy index of love. Do you still want what? I tell Sun Li this kind of feeling , because she is too tired. Certainly, I believe , it is not inborn to have female strong person, and it is to live to compel , includes personality and destiny make Ran, but their natural end should be steady life , does not be splendid, only peaceful.
At the time that endures before his domestic door,
That time, man"Have you eaten? Having"I see a plate of companion on little table vinegar and garlic boil eggplant, I let some of my buttocks fall down unexpectedly. Finally, have still eaten the half cake of household. 1000 kindness 10 thousands are thanked , I return to home, elephant has taken cheap like happiness. I like them.
Sun Li says: " I see
" what is not good? There are love in home
" meeting, old is public, you will
I want to make the poem of the relevant spring of one, but I speak incoherently , can only say that spring is really good. I experience spring just like feelings love. Actually it always when side, and not is far because disregarding , also will not lose color because of neglecting , diligently feelings it will discover it is magnificent and polychrome. Wholehearted He protect it, will discover it also when He protect self.
The mood of spring also because
45th Zhang
Speak:.Alexander.Buddha La-Ji-Mi-Er-Luo
After company's business is stabilized basically, I and Sun Li consult that I do not return crow Ke-Lan , formally settle down China. According to the stipulation of Chinese policy, foreigner amounts to resident full decade more, may apply for holding frequently , I intermittent amount to resident time for still insufficient 5 years. May between I suddenly feel that self is old , would not run again to move. So, Sun Li has sought a university to me to teach , just helps her in the evening after coming off work to contact some matters. Company in have hired Chinese translation, I am relatively relaxed and a lot of.
Pass in a
The Spring Festival hasGinseng Wei a friend of knowledge. A study passes Chinese, now she happens when I the school of place holds a post , we at last have got the opportunity of often chating with mother tongue, rarely Na have become me to have no the friend that words do not say. In the Spring Festival, companions have celebrated the New Year home, she hopes to come to my home to celebrate the New Year , Sun Li is very glad , takes care of the thing that prepares to eat.
Have not thought that she has long
I am a little unhappy, so to upset plan,
Their two persons
" sister-in-law originally
" have worked
" sister-in-law, a troublesome your matter,
" yourself no
" seek cohabit , I
" this what
" have difference certainly!
" you like Chinese
" I feel that your Chinese
" however Chinese man comparison feudalism,
It is taken that the dialogue that hears them faces
Besides window, rush to go
Home is the harbor of little one. Home in, loneliness is thought, comfortable is body and mind. A woman, in a lifetime, what most most long for is the man who finds a Gu Jia , even poverty and is in dire straits.
Besides window, one emits rain to pull the man of vehicle , have deeply infected me, solid arm, ragged clothing Shan, in face of torrential rain, go strenuously forward. Fully fully as soon as vehicle vegetable is bound tight by plastic cloth, , this man the body has no , is so any that shelter. I think that he will not push vehicle surely to go nightclub , is unexpectedly since go home , the business of today is not very good surely. Return to home, his woman can have pity on successively last a hot towel and a set of clean clothing, then hold perhaps not lush meal. Then seeing man to devour ravenously again is eaten , show appearance that satisfies very. This is life, the story of a man and woman.
In years, it is bitter and short , destiny many Can. Person is tiny as insect, all everythings, however is for completion own life from a lifetime that day decides. Nature is arrogant, disregard all lives tell to beg , life looks extremely valuable from this.
At this moment, I say , it is living and true well, alive is hope, it is happy. Noise Bo hit , peaceful is life most beauty Si guard. It is those to love the man of home, those men who hope self go back to the woman of home, only Si guard , have no it to beg. This is the bottom line of feelings. I like home , so have the reason of love China.
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