It may come again49-52)
Author: Arrange:
49th Zhang
Speak:
Everything in home lets me feel comfortable, children can also act independently. I decide to become a monk. When I 50 years old this year the Spring Festival, I decide this one to tell Sa Sha He and children seriously. Sa Sha sole duty the cultural exchange between two countries, daily busy make his music this and not tired. His reassurance lets me be moved extremely , but can not change my this one still to decide. This one decision is the best natural end for me. I need to find my genuine happiness and self, for religion infatuated can produce a kind of perseverance in my subconscious for a long time comfort nationality.
The Spring Festival come to remind my years again is runing off , how many have passed my life freely on holiday. Remember young, often because of holiday deep feeling multifariously, a little mood if can not have diastole, so, world will become gloomy seemingly. My past symptom of many rare some depressed diseases, these only current years unceasing self overcomes , symptom slowly alleviation , heart becomes gentle. Life always runs in flat state, no matter our survival way is what circumstances, once we have met some way, feeling will be slow-witted , passion will be lost , from it, the pain and happiness savored are also obvious, mediocre to feel natural derivation.
Think back of the life road that I pass , it is huge to may be called setback, each stage may be called as strong bosom , is intense. However, when it files , still classifies afterwards in flat time for the process of a destiny, this is life. After I realize this, a kind of dark blue mulberry is to arise spontaneously , I do not like to take discussing together seemingly seriously with the person of a group of meaningless person at last , do not be also happy is full of righteous indignation with the friend known as bosom friend land say everything reality is perplexed. It is happy that pain has melted and has done , the antenna of soul does not be sensitive. It is happy and pain always relative should, pain can also cause to be happy to disregard indifferently.
This duration, I have learnt manufacture, is happy. Manufacture happiness is not to force to meet flat custom by oneself, having no with lifetime compete mix mark in common people to imitate happiness. Happiness can not be imitated , the happiness of everybody source the unique feelings of own heart, even if circumstances identical can not also analogize. My happy source is that the result of own ideal presents , I want to spread. I always when dynasty the goal of own ideal strides forward , is soul position is not enough to deepen to carve , so, when feeling mediocre at the same time, again will own vulgarization.
The manufacture that says happiness is very simple , is to stay that actual self in a soul world enclosed , the self who encloses the kingdom of a ideal and moulds a ideal in this kingdom lets own spirit dissolve to enter , even if the most of daily time belong to the process of walking , have an instant only every day rest and reorganize , in own kingdom, " close barrier " is from province constantly with Buddhist Wu, promote thought as a kind of rational thought , may get the sublimation of a kind of soul and stand aloof , cut all unpleasantnesses , delete , so, the happiness that belongs to self will be protruding to show. Name Yue: Manufacture is happy.
I think , my this one decision
I1990Year Gui depend on power of Buddha, Bai Tianjin sad Buddhist courtyard treasure Han square zhang is teacher, Bai Shi Gui of same year depends on far is solemnly more solemn than now. Then big sad Buddhist courtyard has not been re-created , master lives in more simple square zhang room. I have been completed in his square zhang room this kind of lifelong unforgettable Gui depend on ceremony. A sentence that wears the master a sentence of cassock land think of Buddhist Scripture, I repeat , as originally, joining the Party , I take an oath. Only I now is to be kneeling down , and stand when joining the Party.
Allegedly now enter Buddha ceremony will be simple and many in sad Buddhist courtyard, go on as equal electronic music and ceremony in male precious hall. The square zhang room of master is the place in which I often hear the law of Confucian classics29Year I, is studying philosophy graduate student , like the classical philosophy of China especially. Since when Tianjin person acting meeting goes up knowledge treasure Han master afterwards, I often ask for advice , master always takes out time in the busy campaign of Buddhist ceremony to me to say.
Treasure Han square zhang, it is the religious big Germany with widely known Tianjin, not only because Tianjin the fame of big sad Buddhist courtyard, still often get media and domestic and international attention because the social campaign of master is quite many. Master is Liaoning person1946Become a monk in year, graduation in Shenyang Ci kindness temple Buddhism courtyard, teacher since province monk and law teacher, it has been Chinese Buddhist association routine trustee, Tianjin Buddhist association president, Tianjin NPC deputy. His character Ci and, it is broad to close good destiny, the understanding of power of Buddha is flexible, what impression is deepest is that he speaks the time of going through to often quote woollen chairman quotation, help all to understand , thorough is shallow to happen.
Master is named for the law that I take different Rui. I translate to become: It is unusual and smooth. It is completely different that I always think that self compares , include at that time so as the Communist Party Yuan identity when hold scholar , so far already tens of years.
1996In year, I have gone to Australia. After that period, the opportunity that goes to big sad Buddhist courtyard is few after, return also go for a year last time, it is to see master mainly. Remember once, together with square zhang room and master vegetarian fast, master says for me that you will live to study power of Buddha , can not adhere rigidly to. The progress of Buddhism is large for requirement to have the person of knowledge somewhat to develop, instead of die to read by book.
74At the time of year-old, master begins to study English spoken language , has still gone to Singapore, the disciple that takes for the construction of big sad Buddhist courtyard to seek Hong Yi and great master broad Ji law teacher there melts destiny, raise fund for the sad construction of the Buddhist courtyard cabinet of collected books400The RMB of 10 thousand, also seek investment from overseas at last. The sad Buddhist courtyard of today, already this non past than, its grand sight has got the painstaking effort of master a lifetime, master makes the management of tens of years there, degree the person that melts does not sum its number.
With master Gui depend on power of Buddha, it is the blessing of my a lifetime, though my is when Buddha reason is thick and coherent , on faith , it is not devout , however meets difficulty often in living , I am always filled with to entrust , and so as repent self-accusation, free worry.
50th Zhang
Speak:
Autumn night in this miserable conditions, when the drop between eaves Da knock to attack heart, the book of desk has turned a lot of pages, may do not know completely above write is what. Do not want to take pen , or take electrification words machine. .Warm conversation harmonious atmosphere is cordial to pay attention to and inquire sincerely. In acoustics, it is cheerful to play or it is sad, smile point first approval or appreciation. However, suddenly, what do not know them to say is what, also forget self why come. .Want to tell who impatiently , again give up this idea suddenly. The language that wants expression to come out anxiously again feels one o'clock that has no this necessity at all. Leisurely self-satisfied have become suddenly a kind of is hollow, the delicacies of good food have become a kind of regret suddenly, view Xiu color levels to add a kind of is sad. .Mountains and rivers as before, the mood of same year goes to where? Room decorator as before, this person has gone. Thing has non person, " do not consider from unforgettable ", convenient Zong have 1000 kinds of local conditions and customs, rely on whom, do you tell? This is lonely. Fall Gua suit , depressed depressed Gua joyfully, worry great Mang, wanting to say return Xiu; Most fear that only place may see that person is tired , and does not hate what it may be without end indignant , and does not very much want to do what there may be eager impulse , once doing , again feel suddenly that have no meaning. .This is lonely. Lonely person, lonely heart.
Sit in the telephone on bright office and table to draw I Xia think , remember the time of just establishing enterprise in those years with Sun Li, that is one cold have not draw off early spring, one of her person brings the furniture of official business of full vehicle, since she the city of place arrives the office of our new rent. I going home from work the time of rushing there , she has commanded laborer arrangement well everything. At that time, her knee has wound, move unexpectedly by oneself to move 3 a set of persons sofa, between drag from a room another room, look at her internal organs Xi Xi smiling face, my heart is filled with to be moved. Afterwards, my office is often loud to take " her noise ". She likes to give a speech continually , knows that I am thoroughly clear her opinion, just shut up. Sometimes really, it is thorough to let me weary , prevent her to be open as chattering away fiercely.
Now, seemingly, quietness is a lot of, telephone comes in receive for you bythe female secretary who leans entrance to hear , it is to have handled for you bythe female secretary to have cable. Everyday work, only hear the working report of business managers early in the morning when going to work , big matter does arrangement, work is nearly monotonous. Have passed for a year, since Sun Li Gui depends on Buddhism, the commander of enterprise in Liu Wei takes off have run is skilled, will not have same year again tired deal with those anxiety and gloom. We do not want to enlarge operation again, when heart becomes to have , sluggish, the more, does not want to have what big movement.
In hand, take electrification words, the telephone number of square zhang room remembers thoroughly cooked heart, do not want to turn to move. She has been Buddhists, heart such as shut-off of water, is far away from dust destiny. Should I say some what? Can I again say some what? Believe that she has reached the extent reached of " big Che big Wu ". " have no a thing originally, where fall down to dust ". My is to can not understand , she drifts apart even avoid is what? Drift apart eventually it is still self with the result of avoiding , is to most treasure by oneself to most value the feeling that can not most lack. A person has lost a , is equal to have lost self. It is this kind of and perplexed and have no to help is mankind is biggest and grieved. Perhaps, she will not know so, is what she thinks after all what?
Subconsciousness land group has known her telephone, at last, have heard that familiar sound and calmness violated for a long time and is low, it is not as surprised as a silk and is happy, this lets me feel that some are strange.
"How are"It is that
"En"My some do
"Is it smooth that"She cares about
"It"I prevaricate , but dare not say that am
. . .
It is momentary and silent , the feeling
"Are"Or she holds , facing high
His grandmother, it is
She has smiled gently, I cannot see her
"I am going to seek you , prepare"Her intonation
My mind one shakes. But or replying calmly: " no
We have begun Buddha and
51th Zhang
Speak:
Arrive for the first time the place that Sun Li practises Buddhism , accurate say that have been the place that she works. That is between a quiet mountain forest, pine is very tall , the brook of mountain stream sprays the green bird language warbler in forest crow little Long mountain goes up , a odd summit is pulled out exactly probably from level ground, the top of summit rises like a tower a pagoda. The image of this peak is very special, its top summary submits cone shape, reduce downward gradually , reap the malt straw of rear accumulation very much in countryside. Its around mountain stone wall is upright, scenery is graceful, climate is pleasant. Mountain takes off convenient is green to set up to cover the magnificent temple building that reflects. Pagoda is formed by the two parts of west courtyard and eastern courtyard, west courtyard again calls new temple by the hall of historical relic and the compositions such as square zhang courtyard and eastern courtyard, from day Wang Dian, big male precious hall and big sad hall , land depository hall, side hall, ear room and cloister composition, it is the main part of temple. Hall depository has copper system Sakyamuni Buddha picture, still moulding have sad Bodhisattva , fall to sit Goddess of Mercy, Maitreya Buddha and day king picture and Arhat picture. The male precious hall that is located in the central government of courtyard have collected Wei enter the Northern and Southern Dynasties to clear Qing Ge Dai copper and the wooden statue of stone engraving hundreds of, technology and artistic level are very high.
Grandson is beautiful, should call her
In square zhang room, it is also the place of her daily life, except Buddha that consecrates , picture is that a pair of vice-Buddhist that she draws draws , quite has deep merit base. Remember same year she in office scribble, I have silk secret anguish at heart, life such as play, may life is not nursery rhymes.
Our discussion is very smooth, cooperation is actually not problem at all, I am to again see her at last. Though, the overlord that has had no same year is angry and is proud and mad , but it is still so resolute. Still being , but she does not be me, want to be near the woman that can be near.
Have eaten plain fast, step carefully broken withered leaf, we sit under a little pavilion on mountain, a bottle of green tea. Recall to pass , is so and calm. It is sentimental that she has not revealed one to allow , know obviously that she should be so , but I sad between overflow fully heart. Perhaps, real not this good-bye goes to her, this is not fair for me. In front of her and me, this woman can really disappear since then in my life. My premonition, I can also disappear in her life. We are old , are old. It is not age , but is heart.
"Such appointment"I am not
"Become a monk"She makes
"You have"I ask closely
"Have"She deeply see me to say , then sight flows to wish that go to distant place gently say: " again can how to? Pass , it is current, future, amount may be held by oneself? How many selves can understand? "
Right now she speaks Appearance De just picture she pass , I really want to take her into bosom. She looks at me quietly, very for a long time, lighten sigh one breath, seemingly, it is asking a question for day: " my livelihood, do you make what after all? "
Have again passed a meeting, her deep feeling land have seen my a glance, say: " our association, I do not regret , am true. " I know , at this kind of time, say that this kind of language has had no any meaning.
At the time of
Return to home, I begin to realize self will also return Pu is true, I want to have the rural area that belongs to self completely: Plant some of green bambooes, upright one little little Xuan, green mountain when household, green water skirts to bend , well fence vegetable Qi melon shed beans frame, from morning, reason is desolate and dirty , in Dai Yue, lotus hoe is. Once is tired, " bright and clean see poem ". Get rid of all trammelses, put aside is any and unfounded , embrace to be close to always like , just return really Pu is true; Again simple point is the return of natural instinct.
Life sinks to float , the changes of life affairs, may than is mood, is set to self by self with actual located location. Effort recollections one takes off will discover perhaps, some "great undertaking"s in our life, very possibility not is establishment when over purely the foundation of careful consideration, that is said originally decision, since now remembering seeming possibility is establishment when for self ability , position and strength excessive believe foundation go up, thus we will often have"Rejoice"Feeling. But to be attentively, it is just most basic to
A person is impossible lucky a lifetime probably lucky one o'clock; Is same, a person possible process reforms assiduously have become self additionally a person , but " this another person " is also on some degree only, it will not be on absolute meaning. And in the process of entire transformation, it is successful and happy and enter higher extent reached to bring joyous is been worth for , but at the same time, it also has some pains surely. In the process that realizes self losing completely is often; Returning to properly also compare easily. Idea and key problem lie in idea: I am a what person, I must this why do; Then, am I a what person actually? What is just that I most like and am accustomed to?
It is tired that I feel , I often feel that self has gotten great grievance , often still has not worthwhile feeling. However, it is not clear, after all is who lets me so tired , so is upset by unkindness and which aspect is not worthwhile. Is not is caused by my self?
At many times, I will discover that some throw , have coldlied treat for a long time thing, original is we is affectionate. A lot ofly thing, it is because is true that we so think fondly of them; So give have lost have not even possessed again so far still because of them is true. From this, I believe: Return Pu is real is a kind of relative voluntarily consciousness, it is also a kind of extent reached. Return Pu is real more is when at heart, it is a kind of idea. Key problem lies in whether we can often make self get to free oneself, if we also can when number is not clear and ugly , is vulgar, it is embarrassed in , embarrassed the disguise with false breakthrough, show more " real I " , so live perhaps not quite tired.
It is so, I everything of company's gives Liu Wei a person, then nearby that place that she becomes a monk , have rented a very good plot. This is a peaceful little village, quietness is not barren, desolate and not dreary. Compared with the world of scene of debauchery, here, it is a kind of idyllic village without doubt. In quadrangle behind being continuous the chain of mountains that rises and falls has a brook of slow running water before door, courtyard is very clean as cleaning , what is indoor to strike the eye is that a whole one side the bookshelf of wall, between will this the ordinary little house decoration of countryside gets book perfume is refined, this is my natural end.
I begin to compile%26S226;Buddhist roll ", settle such a selection of subject in advance with Liu Wei, he understands my mood, hesitate not land come down surely. May I am very clear at heart, Buddhist culture is the important composition part of long Chinese culture. Buddhist thought, Buddhism theory and temple are constructed and so on, have surmounted the religious concept on general meaning long ago , is the embodiment of Chinese spiritual civilization , also is Chinese can self support in the family of nations important factor.
Because of well-known reason, in our country, promote Buddhism thought , advocate that Buddhism is civilized , get great restriction. The general public and many persons stem from , is for the love of motherland culture and to good Qi the psychology of good fortune, hope to know some Buddhist thoughts more , hope to go to some temple travel sightseeings , but is the reading matter of lack this respect. Moreover present continent has no books of a set of complete introduction Buddhist temple. This is a very good, great market. Book after draft comes out fromXXXUnit( domestic a publishing house) takes the responsibility for editing publication publication. I have thought , this set of book 10 thousand volumes of impression, pass on completely to Qing Feng An.
52th Zhang
Speak:
Bullet finger between one waves , time has a real time quickly. Now, I also effect imitates master, for Buddhist career development, happy trip is shrewd to enter. Buddhist teacher Zu advocate is to build with great concentration, forbid outward Chi beg. I set an example , enclose besides human society, more reason is that think of self-examination. But hold ring only do not be equal to the very human nature Buddhist of cultural intension Wu and is for the new-born thing understanding in human society. I since know , this kind of effect if things continue this way meeting will be Buddhist come apart with realistic life, it is Buddhist to promote , how to does talent" walk out of "? The road of Buddha road, ascetic practice heads , will it alienation, only Bi path, modern cultural development pattern cannot do not refer to. Religious way out should be also marketization development.
Quietness the temple of few acting persons, in my acting manpower, have become " religious product development exhibits center ", all these cannot depart from him and me coordination. We past company also becomes special development from this the famous enterprise of religious publication business. When the specific guidance of Liu Wei takes off , integrate as group, temple and enterprise unite marriage development, become one of promotion Buddhist culture to develop bright spot , and I also comprehend under such a kind of form to be born and enter lifetime repair is.
Make mountain, it is the first time that I take off mountain , attend a Buddhist appliance exhibition , see Sa Sha He and child incidentally. The thunder of train reminds that I have returned to dust coarse noisy world. , besides vehicle window, it is so ordinary as before , has not been bright and beautiful , home is more and more near.
Rapid two years , everything in home lets me thinking about still heavily. I am sorry for Sa Sha! Stay in him China, have left him , do not know how he now lives. For Sa Sha, all these are really not fair, take "kinsfolk" this word, I am selfish , have never considered their feelings. Though, self repeatedly encounters unfortunate, a lot of times and personalities, have to take off the relation that not opened. But "kinsfolk" two words, casting I is confused.
I think of Su Man Shu and this person suddenly. Since very for a long time, in the times of young girl, I regard Su Man Shu as the lover in my dream. Like Su Man Shu, having better to say like more one is filled with just the man of feelings is romantic with romance. Since liking Buddhist literature, the personality for feelings monk Su Man Shu has got deeper understanding, his life course before 35 years old, is born and enter lifetime , is persevering is thorough and open-minded with impulse and spirit hold with extremity , self life the two poles such as depressed and indulgence lust distinct contrast, it is the life of a cruelty that soul self strangles. And the romance of my inner feelings in which has the very deep impression that influences by Su Man Shu. Unfortunately, I am not man. If I am man, I believe that self can also grow with the children feelings as Su Man Shu and is worried and indignant and deeply broad , it is romantic and free and easy and feelings are sincere. " feelings monk Su Man Shu" - only this 5 words, let me realize a kind of sad America vast life Kuang taste. Like Su Man Shu, since thinking in own bone son, also have this kind of potential quality.
Perhaps, Su Man Shu is not enough to deepen to carve , he 3 is just him into Buddhism for Buddhism understanding is little to take advantage of mood, to seek to free oneself , Su Man Shu has steped into religious bosom , but is religious, can not make his soul get peacefulness, he has again selected art regardless of poem, drawing and book , is still novel , can dispel feelings only, he 11 takes arbitrary performance , Man that different astonishing artistic talent has formed his glamour place thoroughly in complex intense self collision and self fight. His feelings demand is too strong, when ordinary people has seems reached simply"It"Degree, what regret is that he realizes Buddhism only with own experience and feelings, have not reached Li Shu same such ideological extent reached. However if say that like , I still like that Su Man is different and innocent and Zhi sex, is the completely different life of a unique life individual.
Reality in, today, the person as him, once have got real love, most make easily deep-rooted imprint on the mind feelings story, flirtatious surely to Gua feelings, this is the flirtatious unique feelings of person for feelings. I am also so. So in my love sight also, is filled with contradiction , understand romance on the one hand , again detest on the other hand to betray , eagerness is romantic, again defend tenaciously strictness. So, rational collision and the pursuit of nature form sad pity, on love sight, disaster can be unified , so feelings life goes up have formed the keynote of my feelings world lucky with misfortune, and the circumstances of Su Man Shu are just the portrayal of a kind of practice of my inner feelings pursuit. Like Su Man Shu when push is like self, dream becomes the man like Su Man Shu, it is full of wit and is distressed and pessimistic , but it is as before free and easy. Perhaps, because of liking Su Man Shu, seek this kind of love sight that has embodied me in aesthetic good taste in reality, this is not from Ji. Sigh in resignation to give birth for woman, romantic keep only in intrinsic, and appreciation is romantic , lies in that for the unique cognition of feelings, sad America is a kind of extent reached.
Think , geting rid of vexed way convenient is Dun enter Buddhism, however, if person, will not have no worry , think get rid of , however, it is mechanical escape. Power of Buddha lies in to be born and in enter lifetime sight control.
Give home in advance in dozen error telephone, do not want them to receive. Near town feelings are timid, I can't bear to see their joyfully pleased foresight , I hope them to be me only, have made one far door, it is this only.
Next train, I have changed in coarse clothing. It is
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